Are there any more 'nun' jokes?
11.06.2025 04:27
The second nun replies hesitantly, “Yes. I have touched a penis with my whole hand.”
Sister Mary: “Who is it?”
While stopped at a traffic signal, a tiny Dracula jumps up on the hood of their vehicle and hisses through the windshield.
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99 nuns giggle, one in the back gasps.
The bartender says, “why the long face?” The horse screams, “I will end you!” And bites the bartender in the t**…. A priest, a nun, and a rabbi who were just approaching the entrance quietly turn and walk away as the horse shakes the bartender vigorously back and forth screaming, “why the floppy head?! Why the floppy head?!”
Okay, thinks the nun. “Come in then”.
Liberals, why don't you like Conservatives?
What is black and white, black and white, black and white?
you have to be single and
A man is drinking in a bar when a nun harasses him about drinking. In self-defense the man says, “Who told you that drinking is bad?”
Overhearing them, the Scot proudly turned toward them and raised his kilt, revealing a massive erection.
“I supposed that would be OK,” the priest replied lifting his robe.
“And,” Mother Superior continues, “the condom was broken.”
What do you call a nun that won’t work?
“Oh father, may I touch it?”
Nun #1: “Saint Peter, forgive me, in my life I once gazed lustfully at a man’s penis.”
What are the strangest parts of The Bible?
We must stop this nun scents.
Nun.
A priest and a nun …
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“Well, no.” says the nun. “You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!”
If you guessed “Heaven nun” you are wrong.
She went to the bartender and said, ‘Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?’
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Two nuns are on a motorcar trip through Europe, and end up in Transylvania.
She had a nasty habit.
A man collapses on the street and wakes up to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.
“It’s the blind man,” comes the response.
The old nun immediately had a stroke.
A nun is praying in her convent in rural Ireland when there is a sudden bang and a cloud of green smoke
What do most wives fantasize about?
2 nuns are in a car at a stop light in Transylvania when a vampire blocks their car…
A nun-profit.
St. Peter is surprised, but he tells her, “Well, sister, that was one tiny mistake in a lifetime of pious service. Wash your hands in the holy water, say 10 hail Marys and you can go on in to heaven.”
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“Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted” and she does so.
She does it out of habit.
A guy runs into a bar, and yells, “Quick! How tall is a penguin?”
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Nun Solo.
“Yes I’ve never been to confession before. I’m Jewish.”
“This has to be a joke!”
4 nuns go to heaven
She felt nun-welcomed.
“Ten bucks same as in the park.”
Dress her as an altar boy.
The second nun said “that’s great! The carrots are doing great too, they’re this big” and showed them how big it is with her hands.
The nun says, “Mother Superior told me.”
St. Peter goes to the second nun and again asks, “Have you ever touched a penis?”
What do you call a Nun on the run?
Mother Superior gathers all 100 nuns in the chapel.
“Let me fetch you a blanket Father,” she replies and goes and gets him one. He thanks her but is still cold. After a few minutes he says “It’s still really cold on the couch Sister.”
When she flies over, people say:
What kind of drinks do nuns drink?
To make sure the other nun gets none.
“Actually I am” says the cabbie.
“I know, father.” “In fact, I don’t think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.”
Confused, the priest replies “No thank you, my dear.”
A nun, a priest and a politician…
An alcoholic priest and a fornicating nun were having a lively conversation as they walked into a bar.
The younger one didn’t touch it.
“Thank ye Mother,” states the Leprechaun “My first question is this; would there happen to be a Leprechaun Nun in this nunnery?”
“Turn on the wipers! That will get rid of the abomination, Sister,” says the passenger nun.
Nun.
The bartender is surprised and then asks them
Later that day, the priest asks a nun “what is a h**…?”
Nun of your business!
“Yes sister?”
“Same is in town, Father, $20”
Nun-convent-ional.
“Did you swear THEN?” asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.
Stag-nun-t.
Thinking about the encounter later he asks one of the nuns, “hey sister what’s ‘head’?
“I’m telling everybody”
“Well, we were on the fifth tee — and this hole is a monster, Mother — 540 yard par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green … and I hit the drive of my life. The sweetest swing I’ve ever made. And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted … and it hits a bird in mid-flight!”
A cabbie picks up a nun…
When they get off the boat, they find their way to a hot dog stand on the corner, ask for two dogs, and sit down to eat this new food.
Enter the world of holy hilarity with our collection of priest and nun jokes! These jokes delve into the humorous interactions, playful banter, and comical dynamics between priests and nuns.
Sorry, it’s a habit.
The first nun said, “I was going through father’s desk and found pornographic magazines in his drawer.”
What does a nun wear under her habit?
Knock Knock Nun Jokes
“I burned them.”
Cloisters.
“No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole.”
What’s a nun’s favorite weapon?
St. Peter says “Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted.” and she did so.
You dress her up like an altar boy
“It must be the cobbles”, says the other.
Two Irish nuns were visiting Scotland for the first time when they saw a burly Scot wearing a traditional kilt. One nun whispered to the other, “Do ye suppose it’s true what they say? That they dinna wear anything underneath their kilts?”
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
After the officers disappear the soldier leaves the dress and says: “thank you so much! I don’t want to go to Afghanistan! My apologies, but I got to say that you have a nice pair of legs.”
Nun Jokes One Liners
What’s the difference between an o**… and a r**… thermometer?
The nun agrees, “Okay but bring it in a tea cup. I don’t want people thinking I’m drinking.”
Did you hear about the priest who got caught kissing a nun?
[NSFW] A nun and a priest are crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.
What do a person with a lisp and a nun have in common?
Who’s there?
A monk, a nun and a priest all suddenly die in a fire and end up before God…
Nun-jas.
A priest, a rabbi, and a nun walk into a drug deal
“So that’s when you cursed,” said the Mother Superior with a knowing smile.
Note:
“What troubles you, Sister?” asked the Mother Superior. “I thought this was the day you spent with your family.”
Three nuns die in a car crash and end up before the gates of St Peter.
“Is THAT when you swore?” asks the Mother Superior again.
Why did the church hire extra security guards?
A soldier approaches a nun.
The man says, “Well then, don’t criticize me if you haven’t tried it. I’ll tell you what if you try it and don’t like it, I’ll give up drinking for life.”
Bartender yells, What is this, some sort of joke?
Leprechaun nuns
“I’m 72 and just had s**… with two 25 year olds” he claimed.
However, when the revelers saw the nun,the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, ‘May I please use the restroom?
The nun replied “Ten bucks same as in town.”
Still baffled as she gets to the church, she walks to another nun at the pulpit and asks, “Why does everyone keep asking me if I woke up on the wrong side of the bed today?!”
Sister Patrick stares in shock.
A knock comes from the door.
“I’m sorry, sisters, but are you sure this is the right place for you?”
On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.
“Get your own fucking blanket.”
That’s a hard habit to break.
“Oh no Father, let me get you another blanket,” and up she gets and fetches him another.
The nun shrugs, thinking she wasn’t really that grumpy looking and continues to the bathroom, to be met by another nun who looks her up and down, smiles and says “Someone got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning!”
He asks again “you have studied the history of this convent. Any records of any leprechaun nuns in those archives?”
The nun replies, “No, I haven’t ever taken a drink of hard liquor.”
How many nuns have a husband?
“I poked holes in them.”
The driver does so, and Dracula gets knocked around a bit but manages to hang on.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
But the nun replies “no, God forbids it!” And she gets out on the next stop.
“Father, I’m surprised to see you here.”
What do you call a group of nuns with swords?
“Yes it is, sister.”
Nun.
It’s nun of your business.
“Hey father, how about some head, only ten bucks!”
“Sister, this is kind of embarrassing, but what’s a b**…?”
hisses through the windshield even more menacingly.
A freshly ordained young priest was walking to his newly assigned parish in the inner city. As he walked down the street, a p**… stopped him and said, “Hey father, $20 for a b**….” The priest had never heard of such a thing and hurried away from the p**….
A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.
“What should we do?” shrieks one nun as she panics and reaches for her Rosary beads..
The rabbi behind them saw it in time to duck.
“Oh no” states the Mother Superior, “Though the possibility exists, why would they go away from their homeland to be a nun?”
Nun.
Three nuns die in a car accident and arrive at the pearly gates.
“Why, my son?”
Two nuns are walking down the street when they notice that a man is following them.
St. Peter goes up to the first nun and says, “Have you ever touched a penis?”
The nun scolds the priest.
It’s time to unleash the hilarity with our knock-knock nun jokes! Brace yourself for a series of interactive and playful jokes that revolve around nuns.
What do you call a Nun with Jedi powers?
St Peter says to the nuns, “Given you are nuns and have devoted your life to good works you only need to answer a single question each to enter Heaven.”
I met a nun that wiped her nose on her clothes.
The driver looks in the rear view mirror and says, “Excuse me sister, I’ve always fantasised about having sex with a nun.”
A few minutes later the hippie wants to get out too and right as he wants to leave the bus, the bus driver yells “hey you, hippie, come over here.
The nurse reaches into her pocket and pulls out a thermometer. “Oh no,” she says, “some a**…’s got my pen.”
What’s a nun’s favorite fruit?
So the sisters part and the man follows Sister Michael.
‘You see,’ laughed the bartender, ‘every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.
St. Peter says to them “Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line.” And they do so.
What do you call nun in heaven?
Without missing a beat, the Mother Superior states “I know for a fact that there isn’t one with in this Nunnery”.
What do you call a nun on a bike?
Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, “Piss off, ya fookin’ little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!”
The nun replies, “$20, same as in town”
“Anything father.”
What type of books do nuns read?
She’s nun-touchable.
Why is it wrong to have sex with a nun?
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
What kind of meat does a priest eat on fridays?
A nun and a priest are playing golf
“Top of the morning to ye, mother! We come with a question. Are there any leprechaun nuns here?”
It’d be a hard habit to break.
Nun.
What did the nun say when she wanted to get everyone’s attention?
Faith book.
How many religious women does it take to change a light bulb?
“Hey Father, I’ll give the best b**… of your life for $10.”
“Go ahead”, answered the nun.
… but now that I’ve met Sister Ruth, I’m confident I’d enjoy getting into the habit.
Which character would a nun be in Star Wars?
She replied with: “I can’t help it, I have a bad habit.”
The nun replies. “That’s OK, my name is Bruce and I am going to fancy dress party.”
How many Women Priest are there?
99 nuns gasp one in back giggles.
I have an a-nun-cement.
A priest was scolding a nun for exposing herself to the congregation multiple times…
“Correct!” Says St Peter. “You may enter.”
“Well done!” Says St Peter before turning to the third nun and saying, “As the Mother Superior you should be able to answer this; what did Eve say to Adam when she first saw him?”
At this point the fourth nun cuts in front of the third nun and says, “Listen, I better go next because I’m not gurgling that shit after she sticks her ass in it.”
Nun-fiction.
Later, back at the church, he approaches one of the nuns.
Seeing all this, the third nun in line taps the sister in front of her and says, “Sister, would it be ok if I cut in front of you in line?” The second nun says, “well, certainly sister, but why?” The third nun replies “I want to gargle that holy water before you stick your ass in it.”
The other has soap in her hole.
Slim to Nun?
The nun sternly replied, “Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.”
What kind of meat can a priest eat on Friday?
‘Well, now they know you’re one of us,’ said the bartender, would you like a Drink?’
If a nun’s robes were made of adamantium…
The first nun gladly follows the instruction and proceeds to enter Heaven.
The man goes up to the bartender and says, “Bring me a couple of shots of vodka but bring one of them in a tea cup.”
“Then,” continues Sister Michael, “he stopped and pulled down his trousers.”
“You are all going to hell!” he announces. “As despite your dedicated lives you still had sins you did not repent for! However, for your services to me, I will allow you to choose your eternal punishment. You must select 3 different things I find most terrible that humans have experienced before. Each chosen will happen to you constantly forever.
are on a plane with a group of children. The pilot announces over the loudspeaker that the plane is going down and they only have a few minutes. The nun, priest and politician run to the back of the plane to grab their parachutes and notice there’s not enough for everybody. The nun says “we need to save the children!” The politician yells back “SCREW THE CHILDREN!” The priest looks at the politician and says “Do we have time?”
“Goodness, Sister!” gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. “You must tell me all about it!”
“I’m afraid we have some bad news,” the Mother Superior says. “It appears one of you has been sneaking out and sinning behind the chapel walls.”
Why do priests have s**… with altar boys?
100 Nuns
“I have never seen a woman’s breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.”
So the Mother Superior of an Irish nunnery is sitting in her office when suddenly two Leprechauns walk through her door; one looking like he was walking off a bad hangover and the other looking like he’s about to kill someone. After a short moment so that she could regain composure (because…you know…Leprechauns), she asks, “How can I help you two?”
She couldn’t see that well.
How didn’t the nun know she’s been sick for years?
Holey.
“It was,” sighed the Sister. “And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.”
Two Irish nuns are on a boat to the US, when the first nun says, “You know, I’ve heard they eat dogs in America.”
Nun.
I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
Then Mother Superior sighed and said, “You missed the fucking putt, didn’t you?”
It’s incest to have sex with sisters.
She had a drug habit.
She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that –
The Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said …
The first one says “I found n**… pictures on his desk so I tore them”.
Priest: Go wash your eyes in Holy Water and you will be forgiven.
1 nun gasps, 99 nuns giggle.
“No! It’s Nun of the Above!”
In desperation, the nun with all the ideas suggests, “Show him your cross, sister.”
… when their car breaks down in the middle of nowhere. It’s getting late and so they have to spend the night at an inn. The priest says “I don’t think the Lord will mind us sharing a room Sister, I’ll take the couch, you can have the bed.” She agrees and they go to bed. Later in the middle of the night the priest says “Sister it sure is cold on this couch.”
The second nun pauses for a second and then replies, “Eve.”
And a h**… shouts and says, “$20 for a h**…!”, but the priest keeps walking.
The third nun fainted.
No meat
A priest is doing some community work downtown…
“Do want a q**… for ten bucks?”
And then a voice booms from above…
A pen-nun-t.
……falls of a cliff and they all die.
The hung over Leprechaun, at this response, starts to look very worried, and the hot headed one looks extremely angry about something.
“I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it.”
A cab driver picks up a Nun…
What do you call a naked nun?
The priest takes his putter and puts the ball towards the hole, in what should be in incredibly easy shot. Unfortunately, the ball skims the side of the hole and overshoots, coming to rest just next to it.
“Far from it,” snorted the Sister. “In fact, I took the Lord’s name in vain today!”
He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you”
The man said, “I don’t have health insurance.”
A priest is walking down the street…
99 nuns gasp, 1 nun giggles.
Three nuns walk into a bar
Did you hear about the lonely preacher who invited women to his birthday party?
The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Steve and I’m going to a Halloween party!”
The bartender says, “What is this, a joke?”
Mother superior adjusts her glasses in disbelief at what she is seeing. “My goodness for such special guests please ask anything you wish”
Why can’t you ever touch a nun?
St. Peter smiles and says, “Do not despair, simply dip your whole hand into the Holy Water and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”
Dirty Nun Jokes
The guy says, “Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!”
St. Peter is there to meet them with a bowl of Holy Water.
4 nuns arrive at the Pearly Gates of Heaven.
St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?” “Well…. There was this one time… that I held one for a moment…”
With our selection of hilarious nun jokes, get ready for a ton of laughter! As we celebrate the funnier side of nuns, these belly-laughing jokes will have you in tears.
Two Irish nuns are on a boat to the US…
The first nun quickly replied, “The garden of Eden”.
… are on a pilgrimage when they get caught in a blizzard. They make their way to a small abandoned cabin with a bed, a stack of blankets, and a sleeping bag. Now the priest, being a gentleman, offers the nun the bed and takes the sleeping bag for himself. They say their nightly prayers and tuck in for the night. The priest is nearly asleep when he is awoken by the nun, “Father, I’m cold!” The priest gets up, puts a blanket on her, checks that she’s OK, and goes back to his sleeping bag.
How much s**… does a priest have?
What do you call oyster nuns?
She leads them up the stairs and down a long hallway to the office of mother superior. The one silent leprechaun continues staring sheepishly at the ground.
Priest and Nun Jokes
Female monasteries are nun-profit.
The Sister Responds “Well… there was this one time… that I kinda sorta… touched one with the tip of my pinky finger…”
Two nuns stand by the road, holding a sign which reads, “You’re headed down a dark and dangerous path, turn back before it’s too late!”
2 of them had a stroke. The other one didn’t want to touch it.
“Sister would you mind if I touched them?”
Two Irish nuns visited Scotland for the first time…
“You missed the fucking putt, didn’t you?”
I saw a nun wearing a concrete dress.
A naive young priest is sent to New York City…
Why was the new nun sad?
4 nuns died and went to heaven
As he was recovering, a nun holding a clipboard came into his room and said she was from the billing department and asked how he was going to pay the bill.
Why wouldn’t a nun walk around in a bikini?
The priest doesn’t know what head is but he figures it’s bad if it is something she’s confessing to, so he gives her a couple of Hail Marys and an Our Father.
“No, Mother,” says the nun. “After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away.”
A doctor is doing his rounds at the hospital, going from patient to patient. He turns to a nurse and asks, “Sister, have you got a pen?”
The nun asked, “Do you have a relative who could help you?”
With these spotless jokes, we highlight the funnier side of nuns, so come along on a happy journey packed with chuckles and good-natured humor!
I heard what you said to the nun, and I’ve got a little tip for you.
Priest: Go wash your hands in Holy Water and you will be forgiven.
Nun 4 (speaking to Nun 3): Can I go in front of you?
The angel infront of the gate asked the first nun “have you held a phallus” and the nun said “accidentally I touched the tip once” and the angel said “wash your finger tips in that basin of holy water and your sins would be cleared”, the angel asked the 2nd nun the same question and the 2nd nun said “I once held one in my palm for a brief second” and the angel said “wash your palm in that basin of holywater and your sins will be cleared, the 4th nun came in rushing before the 3rd nun and the angel said “calm down sister there is no need to rush ” and the nun said “I am not washing my mouth with that water after the 3rd sister washes her ass with it”
Nun showed up.
A nun rolling down a hill.
4 Nuns
Nuns are painting the chapel on a hot summer day.
The nun replies, “Yeah, you and everyone else. Tell me are you a Catholic?”
“Use the washer,” shouts the passenger nun. “I filled it with Holy Water while we were at the Vatican.”
“No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball.”
A priest and a nun are driving home from a seminary…
“Well what about in any other convent in Ireland? Do you think one might be there?”
A nun is sitting on the bus when a hippie comes in and sits next to her…
The leprechaun grins. “if not in Ireland I know there are convents all over gods creation. Perhaps one is there?”
In response to the news I just said “Holy fuck!”
“It’s only 10 a.m., and I’ve never seen you here before 11!”
… but I’m willing to get into the habit.
St. Peter holds out the bowl and says, “Dip your finger in this Holy Water, and be free to enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”
What do you call a holy woman that works in your office?
Nuns are performing a much-needed renovation on the chapel. Today they paint… and the AC isn’t working great (that’s getting fixed tomorrow). It’s a sweltering hot summer day, so they decide that since they’re all sisters in Christ, they’ll just lock the doors and strip of their gowns and other clothes while painting so they aren’t sweating so much.
“I don’t want to be rude, but can I please hide under your dress? I’ll explain later.” Said the man.
“Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!” sympathized the Mother Superior.
The bartender replied, ‘OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.’
Nun of the above.
What do you call a flag with a nun on it?
The bartender says “that’ll be 2020”
St Pete: “Sister, rinse your eyes with this Holy Water and then you may enter they Kingdom of Heaven.”
When he arrived at the church he was greeted by the Mother Superior who showed him around the place and guided him to his room. Before she left the priest alone in his room, she asked if he had any questions.
Fi-nun-ce.
Nun 1: Forgive me, father, I have seen a n**… man.
I realized why priests always have s**… scandals with boys
Why do nuns always go places in pairs?
A priest, a nun, and a rabbi walk into a bar.
The nun frowns “If there was not one in Ireland I have to doubt there would be one anywhere on earth”
St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?”
After they’re done the hippie throws of his costume and yells “gotcha, I’m the hippie!”, then the nun throws off her costume and yells “gotcha, I’m the bus driver!”
The first nun asks, “What part did you get?”
He looks to the first nun and asks, “Where did the first woman live?”
I don’t sleep with too many nuns…
Nun are safe.
How do you get a Nun pregnant?
“What is it?!” asks the second nun.
A joke a Jewish speaker at my Catholic college told the student body in front of a bunch of nuns
Works best with your most over the top Irish accent.
Get ready for a craic-filled time with our collection of Irish nun jokes! These jokes blend the charm of the Irish with the humor of nuns, resulting in a unique and delightful combination.
Later that day the priest is contemplating his day in the rectory garden when he sees a nun. He can’t get this “head” out of his head, so he asks the nun, “Sister, can I ask you a question? What’s head.”
Nun.
Irish Nun Jokes
Nun-derprivileged.
Bad habits.
Nun Jokes for Adults
Nun #4: *taps Nun #3 on the shoulder and says* “Do mind if I gargle with that water before you sit in it?”
Do you know how many women have been pope?
Excitedly the priest stands up and heads towards the bed…
…when he is propositioned by a h**….
They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter.
To which the man asks, “So, have you ever tried it?”
“Is that when you swore?”
“When did you use this awful language?” asks the elder nun.
Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun “Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!”
If a nun went to college, what would be her major?
Nun-chucks.
“Well sister, this looks pretty grim.”
“Well,” replies Sister Michael, “After a few minutes, I stopped and pulled up my dress.”
Why did the nun get kicked out?
Saint Peter: “Sisters, confess your sins and you may enter paradise.”
Did you hear about the nun who got addicted to knitting?
Why are nuns so predictable?
“Terrible news, Mother Superior. We’ve discovered a case of syphilis in the convent.”
A nun walks into Mother Superior’s office
Three nuns are gossiping about a priest.
“…fine…” The angered Leprechaun says, “There wouldn’t happen to be the slightest chance that there would be a Leprechaun Nun anywhere in this world?”
“Father, could I ask something of you?”
I can’t stop making nun jokes.
Domi-nun-t.
I try to avoid making nun jokes, but it’s a farce of habit.
What did the priest say to get the nuns to stop spraying perfume?
“Oh god dammit, how could I miss that!”, exclaims the priest.
“Are you kidding?!” the priest said. “You can’t do that. 100 Hail Mary’s and run around the church 1000 times. By the way is this your first confession?”
A Priest, a Rabbi, a Nun, two gorillas, a leopard, a horse, two turtles, and a dragonfly walk into a bar.
“Why of course,” says the driver. “Why didn’t I think of that?” She rolls down the window and screams out at the small creature, “Get the f**k off our car, you little c**ksucker!”
“Oh god dammit, I missed.”
99 nuns gasp one nun in the back giggles.
“Though I could wrong, but I do not believe that there is a Leprechaun Nun in Ireland” the Mother Superior responds.
A nun walks into the Mother Superior’s office and plunks down into a chair.
The other nun rolls down the window and yells “Get the bloody hell out of middle of the road asshole!”
She finds it odd, but keeps walking. On her walk, three more people pass her and say, “Wake up on the wrong side of the bed today, Sister?”
A nun gets out of bed
“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”
“Oh my!” commiserated the Mother Superior. “How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!”
Drug dealers: “It’s a set up!”
The bartender says, “Three feet tall.”
The leprechaun turns to his friend and says “see? I told you ya fucked a penguin”
“Then why don’t you stick it up that camel’s ass and let’s get the fuck out of here.”
“It’s a bird!”
On the third day, two Irish priests walk into the bar. The bartender asks one of them,
Some time later, Sister Patrick is anxiously waiting at the Abbey when Sister Michael returns alone.
… and while waking through the park is approached by a s**…-clad p**….
The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”
He’s nun-objectionable.
She lets out a sigh, heavy with frustration.
“I have never seen a man’s penis. Could I see yours?”
The nun screams “DON’T ASK ME IF I GOT OUT OF THE WRONG SIDE OF THE BED THIS MORNING!”
The deaf nun shouts “which priest you talking about?”
The first nun gasped and asked, “What did you do with them?”
“Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!” shouts one of the drunks.
What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
The other nun looks down and says, “You’re wearing the priest’s shoes”
A priest was confronted by a p**….
What do you call two nuns that don’t have family in common?
The next busy driver, who looks at the inscription, shows a finger and disappears behind the curve. A second later a loud crash is heard.
At the green, again the priest takes his shot, but the ball rolls past the hole, coming to a stop just a few inches away from it.
What did the nun say when she couldn’t believe what was happening?
The next day, two rabbis walk into the bar. The bartender also asks them.
NSFW
If you guessed “Angel nun” you are wrong.
What did the nun say when she didn’t want to answer questions?
A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.
My dad is a priest and my mom is a nun
A Bus Full Of Nuns….
‘Well, in that case, I’ll just look the other way,’ said the nun.
“If you are Jewish why are you telling me this?” begged the priest.
“Oh God dammit, I missed.”
I don’t flirt with nuns very often…
A priest, a nun and some random dude walks into a bar
“Thank the Lord you are alright!”, exclaims Sister Patrick. “But what happened to that man?
What did the priest say to the nun at the salad bar?
Nun #2: “Saint Peter, forgive me, I once touched a man’s penis.”
I wrote a novel about religious women.
“I agree,” the nun replies, “I don’t think he would mind if we acted like we were married, just for the one night.”
The bartender says, “What is this? A joke?”
“Is that true father?”
“Nope, that wasn’t it either,” cried the Sister, anguished, “because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!”
She responds “oh no I would certainly remember that”
The young priest said, “I do have one question, Mother Superior, what is a b**…?”
The first nun unwraps her tinfoil and blushes a deep red.
“Father, watch your language. Take the Lord’s name in vain again, and surely He will strike you down with lightning.”
“I seem to recall that,” the Mother Superior agreed. “So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?”
The young nun is still shocked by their presence but answers “no, I’ve been here five years and there are no leprechaun nuns in this convent”
This happens another 12 times, by now the nun is pissed off, she bumps in to Mother Superior who smiles at her.
Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
A man walks into a bar…
What’s a nun behind a stroller?
Now, how about that drink?”
What’s a nun’s favorite answer to a multiple choice question?
The second nun then said, “I was going through father’s drawers and found a box of condoms.”
She had a filthy habit.
“We know it’s not, but the reverend told us to help sinful souls. We thought we could find one here.”
Two nuns walk into a bar.
The first nun said “the cucumbers are growing fairly well, they’re this big” and showed them how big it is with her hands.
Nun 4: I am not going to gargle the Holy Water after you wash your b**… in it.
“Oh God dammit, I missed again.”
Lettuce pray.
The bartender looks at the man and says, “Is that nun in here again?”
“Och! Come back!” the Scot shouted after them. “It just grew some more!”
Three nuns are talking after having cleaned the priest’s desk.
“I agree.” “Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?”
“And Is THAT when you swore?” asks the amazed elder nun.
“I’ve heard the same thing,” says the second.
Funny Nun Jokes
A girl came into my bookstore and asked “What are the chances you have a book on curing eating disorders with religion?”
What do you call a women-led monastery?
Nun!
“GET UP AND GET YOUR OWN d**… BLANKET YA HARPY!”
One has hope in her soul
Again, the Nun warns him.
One of the nuns thoughtfully says, “Sister, shall we just write: ‘Attention, the bridge is demolished?’”
The blind guy comes in, sets some stuff down, looks around and says “Nice tits, sisters. Where do you want the blinds?”
What do you have when you put 2 nuns and a hooker on a football field?
The nun says “if it was God’s wish, I will obey” so they go behind a bush and start to fuck.
“It’s a plane!”
“We understand there are no leprechaun nuns here now. Has there been any in your tenure?”
He was let off with a warning not to get into the habit.
Out of habit.
The nuns
“Oh, you know,” says the nun, “$10, same as downtown.”
With the help of our selection of adult nun jokes, enter the world of humor for grownups. With a splash of some glamour, these jokes are made to make you laugh.
Sister Patrick gasps. “Oh Sister, why would you let him do that?”
A nun, a priest, and a minister walk into a bar.
The monk says: “To be ill with a plague, to be a slave and to live in darkness.” He then teleports to hell.
Not knowing what it was, he said no. When he got back to the monastery, his curiosity got the better of him. So he asked a nun, “what’s a q**…?”
What kind of kids do nuns help?
It was the priest, because he “pastor” a while back.
Nun.
The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He shook his head and replied, “I don’t.”
He doesn’t understand but is so embarrassed he just mumbles “no thank you” and hurries Back to the church.
The second nun gasped and asked, “What did you do with them?”
“Oh mother superior has been here nearly sixty years and she would be able to answer any questions you have” responds the young nun
St. Peter says to the first nun, “Sister, you’ve lead an exemplary life, performed many good deeds, feed the hungry, cared for the sick. Do you have anything to confess before I let you in to heaven?” The nun looks serious and answers him, “St. Peter, I have to confess something. Once, when I was a young novice and naive about the world, I gave a man a hand job in the confessional.”
The patient replied, “Then send the bill to my brother-in-law.”
And the old nun says, “Twenty bucks, same as on the street.”
Four Nuns are standing in line for confession.
Sisters I must confess, I have had s**… s**… relations with a woman.
A horse walks into a bar…
Two high ranked army-officers walk up and ask the nun: “have you, by any coincidence, seen a soldier?”
The hippie thanks him for the tip and gets off the bus.
The nun says: “To be nailed to crosses, to walk for years in boiling hot land and drown in a flood.” She then teleports to hell.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, “I don’t think they know who we are. Show them your cross.”
Virgin mobile.
In walks the man and says, “Hi, now where do you want this blind?”
How did a prostitute become a nun?
“My dear child,” said the nun, why are you crying?”
Otherwise, they’re getting nun.
Sister Susan responds “Well if I’m going to have to gargle this stuff, I’d rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!”
She was nun-derpaid.
you must be Catholic.”
3 nuns are flashed by a pervert in a trench coat
The two nuns were silent for a moment.
“No, that wasn’t it,” admitted the Sister. “While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!”
“But I didn’t, Mother!” sobbed the Sister. “And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!”
After some discussion, the two nuns decide that they will try some dog in order to start immersing themselves in American cultural customs.
What does a nun’s asshole look like?
What do you call an unusual home for nuns?
He said, “Just a sister, who’s a spinster nun.”
Sister Michael, the older and wiser nun, says to the young and naïve Sister Patrick, “See that crossroad ahead? You go left and I’ll go right: he can’t follow us both. We’ll meet back at the Abbey.”
She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
This time the priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection. “Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life.”
“It’s Superman!”
Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, “Did that sound cross enough?”
I just came up with this one at the breakfast table for those who are curious.
“It’s an honor to meet you, mother superior! We have some questions.”
Half an hour passes and the priest says “It’s still really cold on this couch sister, I don’t think the Lord would mind us acting like man and wife just for one night do you?”
she meets another nun who smiles and says “Someone got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning!”
“Well, under the circumstances I don’t see that it would do any harm.” The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
Nun-alcoholic.
Suddenly, there’s a huge thunder crash and bright flash of lightning, and the priest finds himself standing all alone on the golf course.
What do you call an alpha nun?
“OK,” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”
A young priest…
Why was the nun upset about her new job?
She said that needles were habit forming.
The nun responded: “should have looked higher, you would have seen the nicest pair of balls. I also don’t want to go to Afghanistan!”
Clean Nun Jokes
99 nuns gasp, 1 nun giggles.
A cardinal mistake.
She thinks for a moment “I’ve read every book in our library twice, definitely no leprechaun nuns in our history”
The nun then climbs into the front seat and gives him the best blow job of his life. Really curls his toes.
The answer is “Nun of the above”.
Nun.
Nun who?
Make preparations for a ribald trip with our selection of daringly dirty nun jokes if you want to engage in some spicy comedy and have a naughty sense of humor.
A priest is taking confession when a woman confesses to giving head…
The Leprechaun then turns and decks the hungover Leprechaun straight on to the floor and yells. “YE IDJIT!!! WE FUCKED A PENGUIN!!”
“All right then” the Leprechaun continues “Do ye think there’d be a Leprechaun Nun within a Nunnery in all of Ireland?”
The driver nun does so, but the tiny Dracula is still not dislodged and
Three nuns are talking about their gardens, one of them is deaf.
Well, the sisters all agree if he is blind, there’s no harm letting him in while they’re nude, and it is still *very* hot so they’d rather stay nude if they can… so they let him in and lock the door again.
What kind of fun do priests have?
The first nun responds, “Yes I have. I have touched a penis with the tip of my finger.”
And the priest says: “To always have beer, weed and hookers.”
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
“I wasn’t going to.” Mother Superior replies, “I was just going to ask why you were wearing the Bishop’s slippers?”
St Peter nods approval and looks to the second nun. “What was the name of the first woman?”
What do you call the never-before-seen nun outfit?
What do you call a nun’s cell phone?
100 nuns are meeting with the priest.
Four nuns have just died
Mother Superior looks up, “Wonderful. I was getting tired of the Chablis.”
What do you call it when a nun sins regularly?
They are waiting to talk to Saint Peter outside the gates of Heaven.
Virgin Mobile.
Are you looking for the best nun comedy around? Don’t look elsewhere! The most hilarious nun jokes have been gathered by us, and they’re sure to make you laugh out loud.
Nun-related.
Feeling bad he says, “Actually sister I’m not Catholic”.
“We know this because we found a used condom just outside the gates.”
A nun was chatting with Mother Superior.
The taste.
Joshua, son of Nun.
Knock! Knock!
They’re creatures of habit.
A nun is walking to church.
A roamin’ Catholic.
The second one says “good for you sister. I found condoms in his drawer so I put holes in them”.
So a man walks into confession and says “Forgive me father, for I have sinned”. The priest says “What have you done, my son?”
“Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards.”
Through her “missionary” work course.
“Only five years though. Not quite an expert. Has anyone been around a bit longer?” Asks the leprechaun.
What do you call a nun that does the same thing over and over?
Nun of your business.
“Forgive me but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”
How much fun did the priest have at the weekend ?
Why can’t a nun disagree with a priest?
“Because,” explains Sister Michael, “a nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his trousers down!”
“If it isn’t too much trouble, my friend and I have a couple of questions if you’re willing to answer them.” Says the hot-headed Leprechaun
‘No thank you, but, I still don’t understand,’ said the puzzled nun.
Did you guys hear about the nun with super powers?
There are women around but they don’t want nun.
My parents are really religious
She goes to pray at her father’s grave on the St. Martin graveyard every Sunday at 10AM”.
What’s the difference between a nun in church and a prostitute in a bathtub?
“We know this is a sinful place, but the synagogue is just being renovated, and we thought we would sit here to discuss religious issues.”
The c**… had a hole in it.
The fourth one ducks
It went nun-detected.
Nun-functional.
Mother superior strokes her chin “oh I doubt that. Certainly a story like that would have made it’s rounds through here by now.”
“Oh, faith and begorrah! That’s gruesome!” screamed the nuns, running away.
As she passes her local store, the shopkeeper says, “Wake up on the wrong side of the bed today, Sister?”
The angry Leprechaun, now steaming, takes a few moments without a word to blow off his sudden anger. After a few moments he says “Thank ye for yer time Mother.”
This is nun-believable.
Virgin Mobile.
The library put it in the nun fiction section.
They ask for a few coronas, hurricanes, and fireballs.
When the smoke clears she sees two honest to goodness leprechauns standing in front of her, looking just like the legends said they looked. Fine green clothes, top hats, red mutton chops and standing about two feet tall. One stares at his feet sheepishly. The more confident one speaks
Hilarious Nun Jokes
Nun.
Best Nun Jokes
Because it’s a bad habit.
I know a nun who says her nightly prayers in the shower.
Two tight-ends and a wide receiver!
The priest is teeing off at the first hole. The ball flies across the fairway towards the green, but lands meters from the hole.
“Hello nun” he says, “God told me I shall come to Earth to fuck with you!”
A force of habit.
How do you get a priest to sleep with a nun?
So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
Petey: “Sister, wash you hands in this Holy Water and then you may enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”
From the door comes “It’s the blind guy!”
She answers, ” My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything.
It is Okay, I used a c**….
Nun 3 (responding to Nun 4): Why?
The second nun quickly does as she is told and gladly steps forth into Heaven.
The man exclaims,
Nun-precedented.
Which Bible character didn’t have parents?
The Mother Superior furrows her brow and says, “Oh, that’s a hard one”.
One nun says to the other “Quick sister, show him your cross!”
Two nuns walking through the park were confronted by a flasher.
Nun 2: Forgive me, father, I touched a n**… man.
A man, his wife, a group of nuns, a priest, a rabbi, Little Johnny, an American, a Russian, an Irishman, an Indian, a blonde, a brunette, a redhead, a cop, a king, a lawyer, a politician, and a dog walk into a bar.
How much money do nuns have?
The third nun fainted.
Two nuns are cycling through the old streets of Florence. Out of breath, the first nun says, “I’ve never come this way before.”
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
Who won the race between the priest and the nun?
Why did the blind nun fall down the well?
Nun-derwear.
My aunt who is also a nun just got pregnant
“Father, you ought to be careful. You of all people should know that if you continue to blaspheme like that, surely the Lord will strike you down with lightning.”
After a while the hippie asks the nun “hey you, wanna fuck?”
A nun is having a bath when she hears a knock of the door. She says, “Who is it?”
“Sure”, says the Mother Superior, “why not?”
Did you hear about the nun who was caught with cannabis sewn into her robe?
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while ‘the lights would turn off.’
On the next Sunday at 10AM, the hippie goes to the St. Martin graveyard in a Jesus costume and after a few minutes he finds the nun.
Ba-nun-as.
This time he’s starting to nod off when he’s again awoken by the nun, “Father, I’m still cold!” So once again the priest gets up, places another blanket on the nun, and heads back to his sleeping bag. But when he’s almost asleep this time she calls again, “Father, Father, I’m sooo cold!” The priest thinks on this situation and after a moment he responds. “Sister, we are in the middle of nowhere in a storm. No one but ourselves and the Lord God almighty will know what happens here this night. What would you say if, just for this night, we act as though we were married?” The nun thinks on this for a while and finally responds with an excited, “Yes Father, I’d like that!” To which the priest responds,